Archive for February, 2014

Dead Pool 23rd February 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundThe weeks fly by don’t they! Here we are again, mulling over celebrity deaths only to find that nobody has scored any points this week. It almost feels like a Star Wars themed week with the deaths of two bit-part actors, but it also highlights that the main cast are getting on and perhaps it’s time to add their names to your prospective lists for next year! It’s hard to believe that Han Solo is 71 and young Luke Skywalker is 62, but Leia, his twin sister is only 57, go figure…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

JACQUES-CHIRACThe former French president, Jacques Chirac, who has been in poor health for several years, was taken to hospital on Monday night. An ambulance with an escort of police motorcycles carried the 81-year-old from his home to the American Hospital of Paris in the suburb of Neuilly. He was reportedly suffering from “an acute episode of gout”, which no doubt necessitated a police escort, after all, a sore big toe is of huge national concern. Following a stroke in 2005 he’s also had surgery to remove kidney stones in December.

David-Crosby-rh01Rock veteran David Crosby is postponing the remainder of his solo tour after undergoing heart surgery. The Crosby, Stills and Nash star was due to perform in San Francisco and Los Angeles later this month but he has revealed that he underwent a cardiac catheterisation and angiogram on 14th February. Crosby is “expected to have a full recovery. He did not have a heart attack, though it is certain that had he chosen to ignore his doctor’s urgent recommendation, it would have led to one… the left anterior coronary artery was found to be 90% blocked, and two stents have been placed to provide blood flow to his heart muscle.”

SNN1337DIMB--280_927718aThe BBC has announced that David Dimbleby is to host his final general election programme next year. It will be the ninth edition fronted by the 75-year-old, who first hosted the results programme in 1979 when Margaret Thatcher became prime minister. Is this an admission by Dimbleby that he’s getting old and ready to retire? Will he also give up on Question Time? Is he about to die?

Padraig Harrington hits his tee shot on the 10th hole during the Memorial Skins Game at Muirfield Village Golf Club in DublinThree-time golf Major winner, Padraig Harrington, has revealed that he has undergone treatment for skin cancer. Harrington, whose father Patrick died from cancer, underwent surgery for “sun spots” and spoke out in a bid to raise awareness. Let’s keep an eye on his game shall we…

Robert Gabriel Mugabe, president of the Republic of Zimbabwe, sits in the Plenary Hall of the United Nations (UN) building in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, during the 12th African Union (AU) Summit.Plans for a lavish $1m celebration of Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe’s 90th birthday have been condemned as the country lurches towards another financial crisis. The costly celebration, criticised as cultism and hero worship, comes at a time of heavy job losses and slowing economic growth. Mugabe, who continues to defy the march of time and constant health speculation, also travelled to Singapore this week for cataract surgery on his left eye. Looks like the old cunt is here to stay.

On This Day

Deaths

Male, Poor, Lonely & Fat? by KoA

lonelyIn a blow to my self-confidence, scientists have found that the loneliest are nearly twice as likely to die during their six-year study than the least lonely.

Loneliness can be twice as unhealthy as obesity, according to researchers who found that feelings of isolation can have a devastating impact on people. The scientists tracked more than 2,000 people aged 50 and over and found that the loneliest were nearly twice as likely to die.

Compared with the average person in the study, those who reported being lonely had a 14% greater risk of dying. The figure means that loneliness has around twice the impact on an early death as obesity. Poverty increased the risk of an early death by 19%.

Previous studies have linked loneliness to a range of health problems, from high blood pressure and a weakened immune system to a greater risk of depression, heart attack and strokes.

dead_suicide_fingers_hanging_finger_desktop_1440x900_wallpaper-140926But it’s not all doom and gloom, The Samaritans say that the male suicide rate in the UK was 3½ times that of women in 2012, the highest ratio between the sexes in more than 30 years. Men between the 40-44 age bracket seem to be the best at killing themselves if you want to know.

There were 4,590 male suicides registered in 2012, compared with 1,391 female, equating to 18.2 per 100,000 men and 5.2 per 100,000 women, according to the Office for National Statistics.

So adding all of those statistics up means that I have a 238% chance of being dead and most likely I died by my own hand. I hate to break it to the ONS, but I’m still here…

Last Week’s Birthdays

yoko-ono-4.4.2013LeVar Burton (57), Ice T (56), Hal Holbrook (89), Barry Humphries (80), Brenda Fricker (69), Rene Russo (60), Lou Diamond Phillips (52), Dominic Purcell (44), Denise Richards (43), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (33), George Kennedy (89), Milos Forman (82), Yoko Ono (81), Cybill Shepherd (64), Randy Crawford (62), John Travolta (60), Matt Dillon (50), Dr Dre (49), Molly Ringwald (46), Smokey Robinson (74), Tony Iommi (66), Jeff Daniels (59), Seal (51), Benicio Del Toro (47),  Sidney Poitier (87), Brenda Blethyn (68), Anthony Stewart Head (60), Cindy Crawford (48), Rihanna (26), Peter McEnery (74), Tyne Daly (68), Anthony Daniels (68), Alan Rickman (68), Kelsey Grammer (59), William Baldwin (51), Jennifer Love Hewitt (35), Charlotte Church (28), Ellen Page (27), Jonathan Demme (70), Julie Walters (64), Kyle MacLachlan (55), Jeri Ryan (46), Thomas Jane (45), Drew Barrymore (39) and finally, James Blunt (37).

2013 League Table

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Next week peeps!

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February 23, 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 16th February 2014

Untitled-1Welcome one and all to a special Valentine’s edition of the Dead Pool!  Undoubtedly one of the busiest weeks we’ve had in a while, the league table has changed somewhat with three scoring famous faces biting the bullet during the last week. So 68 points go to Jim for guessing Stuart Hall, not the paedo Hall, the other one, and no complaining from the rest of you who had the paedo Hall on your list, I know the difference! Julie totals 65 points for Shirley Temple, astounding that nobody else had her, maybe you all thought she was dead already. Last but not least, Trish scored 59 points for the footballer, Sir Tom Finney. Well done you lot.

Now onto the frivolity…

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

87c0dbc3d23f7b1aa14835fc30d7920eIn a story befitting of our Valentine’s edition, the dead bodies of a woman of 94 and a man of 55 have been found locked in an embrace in the flat they shared in the south-west French city of Bordeaux. Emergency services entered the flat after being alerted by a caretaker, whose suspicions were aroused by the smell on the stairs. They had lived together for five years or more, since the woman took the man in from a life on the streets. When a fall two years ago largely confined her to the flat, he stayed on. Forensics experts believe the man, Didier Delavigne, died first and the woman, Elisabeth Devidas, died shortly afterwards. She was found on Monday afternoon with her arm wrapped around her companion in their bed in the flat, close to Bordeaux railway station. Awwww…

TonyBennThe veteran leftwinger and former Labour cabinet minister Tony Benn was admitted to hospital on Saturday. Benn, 88, who suffered a stroke in 2012, is understood to be seriously ill. A family spokesman said: “Tony was taken to hospital on Saturday evening after feeling unwell. He is currently receiving treatment.” Let’s hope he gets better, we need more men like him in this country otherwise we’ll end up being Cameron’s anal bitches.

michael_schumacherFormula 1 legend Michael Schumacher, who is still lying in a semi-coma in a French hospital, has contracted a lung infection. The effects on the fragile state of health of the 45-year-old are unknown, but by the sound of it, they don’t sound promising. With little information being given to media, the hospital has been left to fend off rumours. Last Thursday, it had to deny speculation flaring on social networks that Schumacher had died. Let’s see how this plays out.

article-2543965-1ADF04B100000578-504_306x492Dave Lee TravisLastly, I suppose we should apologise to the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee Travis and Ken Barlow actor, William Roache. Both have been found innocent of fucking little children and thus are unlikely to die horrible deaths at the hands of fellow inmates. This must give Rolf Harris some comfort in his upcoming trial.  I’ll not spark a debate on the justification of publishing their names before they were given a fair trial, but innocent is innocent, even though they will be carrying the stink of the accusation until the end of time.  We’ve also heard they are starting a new business together, so if you feel comfortable allowing these two men babysit your kids, please feel free to use their services. www.DLTKB-babysittingservices.com

On This Day

Deaths

The Dark Origins of Valentine’s Day by KoA

imagesValentine’s Day is a time to celebrate romance and love, unless you observe SAD, Single Awareness Day. But the origins of this festival of kissy-face fealty and cupids are actually dark, bloody and a bit muddled.

Although nobody knows for sure the exact origin, one good place to start is Rome, where men hit on women by, well, hitting them.  Usually the wild and crazy Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia from February 13th to 15th by sacrificing a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain. Obviously everyone was drunk and naked and the women lined up to be flogged by the bloody skins as they believed this would make them fertile.  The fete included a matchmaking lottery in which young men drew the names of the women from a jar. The lucky pair would then be coupled for the duration of the festival. Sounds bloody amazing doesn’t it, much better than chocolate and roses.

1653691_734364246582722_36128380_nThe ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day marketing success. Emperor Claudius II  executed two men called Valentine, both of February 14th but on different years. Their apparent martyrdom was honoured by the Christians, hence St. Valentine.  One of them, a holy priest, defied Claudius by performing banned marriages due to the over attachment of his soldiers to their wives. He was found out and ordered to be put to death. Condemned, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded, as you do, but legend has it he left a letter for the jailers daughter, who became his ‘friend’ and signed it, ‘from your Valentine’.

However, all this bloody goodness was put to an end by the Christians, who put everyones clothes back on and stopped everyone drinking and having amazing drunken orgies.  As the years went on, Chaucer and Shakespeare managed to romanticise the day through their works and, lo and behold, by the 19th century the Hallmark company capitalised upon peoples idiocy by mass producing sick-inducing cards for the less imaginative amongst us.

Hands up who wants to return to the Roman version!!

Last Week’s Birthdays

Joe Pesci (71), Mia Farrow (69), Robert Wagner (84), Laura Dern (47), Elizabeth Banks (40), Chloe Grace Moretz (17), Burt Reynolds (78), Sheryl Crow (52), Jennifer Aniston (45), Franco Ziffirelli (91), Michael Ironside (64), Arsenio Hall (58), Josh Brolin (46), Sarah Lancaster (34), Christina Ricci (34), Kim Novak (81), George Segal (80), Peter Tork (72), Stockard Channing (70), Jerry Springer (70), Peter Gabriel (64), Mena Suvari (35), Teller (66), Meg Tilly (54), Jane Seymour (63), Matt Groenig (60) and Ali Campbell (55).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

Next week peeps!

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February 16, 2014 | Categories: 2014 | 1 Comment »

Dead Pool 9th February 2014

pegasus_large_t_1581_105542205I think it goes without saying that this weeks big news is the unexpected death of Philip Seymour Hoffman from what appears to be a heroin overdose, I think the hypodermic needle poking out of his arm may have given that away… A sad loss to his family and the thespian community, plus a bit of an embuggerance for the producers of the current film he was acting in, The Hunger Games: Mokingjay – Part 2, where he still had one major scene to complete. But thanks to todays CGI they will be able to finish the film. Much to everyones horror, the film will be released in 2015.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

leonard-limoy-star-trekStar Trek star Leonard Nimoy aka Spock, has revealed that he is suffering from a potentially fatal lung disease. The revelation comes after the 82-year-old was seen in a wheelchair in New York last month. In a post on Twitter he said: ‘I quit smoking 30 years ago. Not soon enough. I have COPD. Grandpa says, quit now!! LLAP (Long Live and Prosper)’. As you all know, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which makes it increasingly difficult to breathe is a progressive condition, which does not bode well for Nimoy.

102 year old Robert MarchandA 102-year-old Frenchman, Robert Marchand, broke his own world record in the over-100s category by riding a bicycle 16.7 miles in one hour.  Mr Marchand improved on the record breaking distance he achieved two years ago, by more than 1.5 miles. The cyclist is a retired firefighter and also holds the record for someone over the age of 100 riding 62 miles, which he did in four hours, 17 minutes and 27 seconds in 2012. Fair play to the old codger, I don’t think I could manage a mile in a year! Best keep an eye on him though, prime contender for a heart attack.

Shaikh-Khalifa-Bin-Zayed-Al-NahyanThe president of the UAE is in a “stable and reassuring” condition after surgery following a stroke late last month. Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan had “passed through a difficult crisis” but has “overcome it”. The 66-year-old ruler of Abu Dhabi suffered the stroke on the 24th January. He’s not made a public appearance since then.

Jay-Leno-9542191-1-402Long-time US television host Jay Leno has taped his final episode of The Tonight Show, and we all know what happens to men when they retire… Leno, 63, appeared emotional as he thanked viewers for their loyalty after his 22 years as host. He was joined by high-profile guests including Billy Crystal, Oprah Winfrey and Garth Brooks, who all looked like they were about to croak themselves. The show is being taken over by the young Jimmy Fallon, not that anybody cares.

On This Day

Deaths

Horrible Ways To Die #2 – Ebola by Sophie

ebolaEbola, I’m not gonna lie, scares the bejeesus out of me. It is almost exclusive to central Africa, and is contracted from handling the bodies of primates, and possibly also bat shit, in places of poor sanitation. It can be airborne, but that hasn’t been demonstrated in humans yet.

It is hideously contagious between humans, and infective. It doesn’t tend to spread around much, both because the areas affected are isolated, and because its contagious period coincides with the onset of horrible, awful symptoms. Let me illuminate you…

It starts, relatively innocently, like the flu with added hiccups. But then, the brain gets affected and you become agitated, get violent headaches and sometimes seizures. You may fall into a coma ,if you’re lucky.

But this is nothing compared to what’s going on with your skin. Ebola is a hemorrhagic disease. This means that your blood loses its ability to clot, and everything bleeds. Your nose, your gums, your tongue, your oesophagus and stomach, your eyes, any open wounds, even if they’re pinpricks, even your vagina. The skin develops a spotty rash, with bruises and haematomas (blood filled lumps) all over the place. But you don’t bleed to death, no.

Instead, you develop multiple organ failure, due to tiny blood clots all over your system, and from tissue death. There’s no treatment, although attempts at creating a vaccine are in progress. Survival rates are understandably low (around 30%) but some people make a complete recovery.

Wouldn’t want to try my luck though…

NEXT TIME: Back to the history books with Hung, Drawn and Quartered.

What Kind of Meat is Human? by KoA

human meat2600If beef is red and chicken is white, what kind of meat do we humans carry about on our bones? Of course you want to know.

If you were to base your answer on taste alone, you might be tempted to conclude that human flesh most closely resembles that of pork. For example, it’s been said that cannibals on the Marquesas Islands of Columbia referred to human meat as “long pig,” on account of its likeness to pork and the infamous German cannibal Armin Meiwes once described human flesh as tasting like pork, only “a little bit more bitter, stronger. It tastes quite good.

But taste isn’t everything. Another way of approaching this question might be to ask what human meat looks like. For instance, is human meat red or white?

Fip-reversed-kontraband-peta-eating-human-cow-beef-roleNew York Times reporter William Buehler Seabrook, in his 1931 book Jungle Ways, describes a hunk of raw human flesh, as closely resembling beef. Arguably more surprising, however, is that Seabrook later roasted the meat and ate it himself, resulting in one of the most detailed culinary descriptions of human flesh ever penned. When cooked, he wrote, the meat turned greyish in a manner not unlike lamb, and while it smelled like cooked beef, the taste, contrary to popular opinion, was not like pork, but “good, fully developed veal, not young, but not yet beef.” It was a similarity he described colourfully and repeatedly:

“It was so nearly like good, fully developed veal that I think no person with a palate of ordinary, normal sensitiveness could distinguish it from veal. It was mild, good meat with no other sharply defined or highly characteristic taste such as for instance, goat, high game, and pork have. The steak was slightly tougher than prime veal, a little stringy, but not too tough or stringy to be agreeably edible. The roast, from which I cut and ate a central slice, was tender, and in colour, texture, smell as well as taste, strengthened my certainty that of all the meats we habitually know, veal is the one meat to which this meat is accurately comparable.”

So, the next time you’re in a plane crash and having to make that decision of noshing down on the tasty looking lass in that 1st class window seat, now you know what to expect.

Last Week’s Birthdays

o-AXL-ROSE-2013-570-1Shakira (37), Nick Nolte (73), Isla Fisher (38), Ashton Kutcher (36), Christie Brinkley (60), Chris Rock (49), Morgan Fairchild (64), Garth Brooks (52), James Spader (54), Barbara Hershey (66), Axl Rose (52), Rebel Wilson (28), Alice Cooper (66), Bobby Brown (45), Jennifer Jason Leigh (52), Michael Sheen (45), Natalie Imbruglia (39), Seth Green (40), John Grisham (59), Zsa Zsa Gabor (97), Cristiano Ronaldo (29), Charlotte Rampling (68) and Rip Torn (83).

2013 League Table

[confidential]

I’d like to finish with an awesome tweet from the horror writer Stephen King.

UnknownNext week peeps!

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February 9, 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »

Dead Pool 2nd February 2014

Dead Pool BackgroundAnother quiet week for celebrity deaths which means no points awarded. However, plenty to share in the news section. Animal deaths were mentioned in the emails this week and the stance has always been that animals are not to be listed but only mentioned in the newsletter for jovial purposes. But if all of you agree, we could have a fourth ‘biggie’ to join the Cert, Woman and Maverick for next year. The community shall decide, either email or leave a comment on the website.

Look Who You Could Have Had:

In Other News

Crow chases doveYou have to feel for the two white doves released by children on behalf of the Pope this week. The gesture of peace was soon brought to an end when a crow and a seagull attacked both doves in front of the horrified crowds. Now, I’m not one to laugh at cruelty to animals, but you have to hand it to the satanic avians, if you are going to embarrass the pontiff, be Hitchcockian about it. Nobody is sure what happened to the birds, lets hope they managed to reconcile their religious differences.

1387141849_ian-watkins-lostprophets-royalties-cash-even-while-in-prisonIn a move that certainly shows that he’s a prize cunt, Ian Watkins, the former Lost Prophets singer, is making moves to apply for an appeal against his conviction for fucking a baby. Obviously he feels his 35 year sentence is too long or perhaps he thinks that sexually abusing a helpless child isn’t such a terrible crime. Lets hope that he gets shanked sooner rather than later.

Michael-Schumacher-2970340Formula 1 legend, Michael Schumacher is slowly being revived from his induced month-long coma. In a statement, his manager said “Michael’s sedation is being reduced in order to allow the start of the waking up process which may take long time.” Schumacher has been at a specialist clinic in Grenoble since hitting his head during a skiing accident at the Meribel resort in the French Alps more than a month ago. He was put into an artificial coma after two emergency operations to reduce the swelling caused by severe brain trauma.

celebs-bieber-mugs_2800898bJustin Bieber has been in the news quite a few times lately, he’s been arrested for drunk driving, resisting arrest and driving with an expired license. He’s also returned to Toronto to face the music after his attack on a limo driver. It seems that officials in the US have grown tired of his antics as they searched his private jet after it landed in New Jersey, they also towed away his custom-built car for further checks. An online petition to deport Bieber from the US has gained over 100k signatures, alas the White House is powerless to act upon individual cases so nothing will become of it. I wonder if we can get Theresa May to ban him from UK shores, on the basis that he’s a cunt…

li-wei-unphotoshopped-photoshops-liwei-falls-to-the-earth-2002-man-landing-in-streetYou may have noticed that there has been a few plunges from high buildings recently. One such plunge occurred at the HQ of JP Morgan at Canary Wharf, sad as it may be, one can only hope he was a banker. Another jumper was the managing director of Tata Motors. So it looks like the big and powerful are finally feeling the pinch of their actions but taking the cowards way out. I suspect we will be seeing a lot more plunges, maybe you should look at prominent bankers and managing directors for next year.

ku-xlargeThe worlds oldest known flamingo has died. The bird – who went by the name  “Greater,” passed away Friday at Adelaide Zoo. The bird was eighty-three years old. Greater, who managed to live his/her entire life without anyone ever determining his/her sex, arrived at the zoo in 1933. In April of last year, it became clear the bird was struggling with arthritis. After nine months of anti-inflammatory treatment, Greater took a turn for the worst last week. “The difficult decision was made to humanely put the flamingo to sleep this morning,” officials said.

dirty escalatorA couple of strange deaths to report this week. A woman on the Montreal Metro was killed when her scarf got caught in an escalator. The unidentified 48-year-old woman was found dead at the bottom of the moving staircase at Fabre station in the north of the Canadian city. Her hair was also apparently caught in the escalator in Thursday morning’s incident.

close-up-indicaWe also saw the death of Gemma Moss, who was found dead in bed after smoking cannabis to ‘help her get to sleep’. The regular churchgoers blood levels contained a high amount of toxicity from the weed which brought on a cardiac arrest. She was said to be using around £60 worth of cannabis a week! Let that be a warning to you!

On This Day

Deaths

Fuck! He’s Not Dead Yet by KoA

Luis Alfredo Garavito 2Luis Alfredo Garavito Cubillos, aka “La Bestia” (The Beast) is a Colombian rapist and serial killer. In 1999, he admitted to the rape and murder of 147 young boys.The number of his victims, based on the locations of skeletons listed on maps that Garavito drew in prison, could eventually exceed 300. He has been described by local media as “the world’s worst serial killer” because of the high number of victims.

Garavito was born on 25 January 1957 in Génova, Quindío, Colombia. He is the oldest of seven brothers and apparently suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his father, like most of these serial killers are.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAGaravito’s victims were poor children, peasant children, or street children, between the ages of 8 and 16. Garavito approached them on the street or countryside and offered them gifts or small amounts of money. After gaining their trust, he took the children for a walk and when they got tired, he would take advantage of them. He then raped them, cut their throats, and usually dismembered their corpses. Most corpses showed signs of torture.

Once captured, Garavito was subject to the maximum penalty available in Colombia, which was 30 years. However, as he confessed the crimes and helped authorities locate bodies, Colombian law allowed him to apply for special benefits, including a reduction of his sentence to 22 years and possibly an even earlier release for further cooperation and good behaviour.

As Garavito served his reduced sentence, many Colombians began to gradually criticise the possibility of his early release, some arguing that he deserved either life in prison or the death penalty, neither of which are applicable in Colombia.

A judicial review of the cases against Garavito in different local jurisdictions found that his sentence could potentially be extended and his release delayed, because he would have to answer for unconfessed crimes separately, however, it does look like he will be free soon enough. Lock up your urchins!

Last Week’s Birthdays

MV5BNTE2MDY4MDY5OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTE0NTUyOA@@._V1_SX214_CR0,0,214,317_Oprah Winfrey (60), Christian Bale (40), Ellen DeGeneres (56), Justin Timberlake (33), Michael C. Hall (43), Heather Graham (44), Lisa Marie Presley (46), Elijah Wood (33), Minnie Driver (44), John Lydon (58), Vanessa Redgrave (77), Kelly Lynch (55), Gene Hackman (84), Phil Collins (63), Alan Alda (78), Eddie Van Halen (59), James Cromwell (74), Scott Glenn (73), Alan Cumming (49), Ariel Winter (16), Tom Selleck (69), Dick Cheney (73) and Peter Sallis (93).

2013 League Table

[Confidential]

Next week peeps!

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February 2, 2014 | Categories: 2014 | Leave A Comment »