Dead Pool 30th June 2013
From televisual archeologists and ‘chop-socky’ actors to celebrity photographers, this week is a rather muted affair. People you either knew well or have no idea who they are, which I suppose is usually the case. Again no points scored and sadly little news to report upon. However, there will be an upcoming opportunity for a guest writer or two as I will be working away for a couple of weeks, so if you are interested in taking over the Dead Pool for a weekend, please let me know. I think this would be a great chance to refresh my dull and boring ideas and perhaps get some more proactive involvement from the rest of you 😉
Look who you could have had:
- Elliott Reid, 93, American actor (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes), heart failure.
- Richard Matheson, 87, American author and screenwriter (I Am Legend, The Shrinking Man, The Twilight Zone).
- Mick Aston, 66, British archaeologist (Time Team)
- Lau Kar-leung, 76, Chinese Hong Kong martial artist, action choreographer and film director (The 36th Chamber of Shaolin), cancer.
- Bert Stern, 83, American celebrity photographer (The Last Sitting) and documentary maker (Jazz on a Summer’s Day).
In other news
Without doubt you have all heard that Nelson Mandela is critically ill, I doubt very much he will be recovering from this unfortunate relapse. An interesting fact is that he will score an astounding 1328 points in total should he pass away this year, with so many of you having him on your lists. You Ghouls! Some of you may have seen that the cunt that is called David Cameron was indicted in a Facebook viral that accused him of being a part of The Federation of Conservative Students that advocated that Mandela should have been hanged, sadly there is no evidence, although rumour is enough if you ask me. However John Berkow is a documented member of that society, make of that what you will. Just remember that Thatcher was a staunch supporter of apartheid and she is undoubtedly what Cameron wanks over most evenings, perish the thought!
Jackie Chan is the latest death hoax survivor, most social media outlets reported him dead last week, which was as much of a surprise to him as anyone else! He even went as far as to publish a photo of himself with the daily newspaper to alleviate his fans fears. I should remind you that Jackie is truly as tough as they come, he has survived all the ridiculous stunts he’s attempted and would most likely best Chuck Norris in a duel, I doubt a guy like him would succumb to death that easily, in fact I’d expect to see ‘Jackie Chops the Grim Reaper’ in cinemas soon.
Birthdays for the last week as follows: George Michael (50), he made it! Karen Jenkins (33), Mel Brooks (87), Kathy Bates (65), John Cusack (47), Ricky Gervais (52), Toby Maguire (38), Francis McDormand (56), Selma Blair (41), Gary Busey (69), Mick Feetwood (66), Carly Simon (68), J.J. Abrams (47) and Chris Isaak (57).
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
Dead Pool 23rd June 2013
Welcome my morbid minions to another writing of the Dead Pool. Without doubt this weeks big news is James Gandolfini succumbing to a coronary at the relatively young age of 51. Unsurprisingly, none of you had him, although you would expect an Italian to manage a trip to Rome without keeling over from too much pasta and sunshine.
Look who you could have had:
- Mitsue Nagasaki, 113, Japanese supercentenarian, seventh-oldest person in the world.
- Michael Hastings, 33, American journalist (Rolling Stone, Newsweek, BuzzFeed), traffic collision.
- Slim Whitman, 90, American country singer-songwriter (“Indian Love Call“, “Rose Marie“), heart failure.
- John Hughes, 78, Welsh ceramicist, creator of Grogg.
- James Gandolfini, 51, American actor (The Sopranos, Where the Wild Things Are, Zero Dark Thirty), cardiac arrest.
- Lil Snupe, 18, American rap artist, shot.
- Allan Simonsen, 34, Danish racing driver, racing accident during 2013 24 Hours of Le Mans.
In other news
Murray Walker, the high octane Formula 1 commentator, has been diagnosed with cancer. The unfortunate 89 year old has a form of lymphatic cancer that was diagnosed during tests following a fall in which he broke his hip last month. Apparently they caught it early and are going ahead with chemotherapy. Good luck to the old codger but if I’m not very much mistaken, which I probably am, I’ll go out on a limb and say that he will see that chequered flag this year.
Alas I have to bring back Cunt of the Week. Without doubt it has to be Charles Saatchi for even thinking of raising a hand to Nigella Lawson. One has to ask what the hell is a pretty woman like her doing with a rich 70 year old misogynist, I’m sure it has nothing to do with his table manners. I’m sure you would all like to join me in wishing the old fuckwit unwell and here’s hoping he dies a miserable death so Nigella can have all that inherited cash for chocolate mousse, which I hope she films herself eating. Other than throttling poor Nigella, the self styled ‘King of Brit-Art’ has a lot to answer for, making shit artists like Damien Hirst and Tracy Emin famous is enough for me, he really should have died in the 80’s.
The latest celebrity to get the death hoax is the great Alphonso Ribeiro, better known to most as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Seems a Facebook page set up to get sympathetic messages began the traction into the alleged demise of one of the most loved dancers of our generation. Luckily Alphonso is alive and well, but being American, who’s to say that the continuous diet high in fat and high fructose corn syrup, plus their despicable insurance led healthcare, could quite easily leave the 41 year old dead within a month for all we know…
Celebrity birthdays for the last week? Cindy Lauper (60), Nicole Kidman (46), Prince William (31), that makes me feel old, not as old as his bald head though… Meryl Streep (64), John Goodman (61), ripe for a heart attack; Brian Wilson (71), Lionel Richie (64), Kathleen Turner (59), Paul McCartney (71), Isabella Rossellini (61), Barry Manilow (70), Kris Kristofferson (77), Danny Aiello (80), Olympia Dukakis (82), Martin Landau (85), Salman Rushdie (66), so much for that fatwa, and Alison Moyet (52).
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 16th June 2013
Welcome one and all to a fun-packed edition of the Dead Pool. ‘What have we here?’ I hear you ask, points to be awarded?? Oh yes! The official oldest person on the planet has died, thus giving Paul E 34 points and Paul C, Emily & Dave who all had him as their Cert, a whopping 134 points each!! So this changes the leader board quite extensively, we even have a new leader! I don’t know about you, but if living to be over a hundred makes you look like our unfortunate pictured friends, I’d rather die in my 60’s thank you very much. Look at them! Kimura has lost all muscle use in his mouth, Kozak’s looks like she’s eating a lemon and fuck knows whats happened to Meizhen! We also saw that Iain Banks died of cancer, way too soon for our needs, he could have scored you 191 points if you had him as your Cert, I’m sure the literary world is devastated too, but for different reasons.
Look who you could have had:
- Iain Banks, 59, Scottish author (The Wasp Factory), gallbladder cancer.
- Rory Morrison, 48, British radio announcer and newsreader (BBC Radio 4), lymphoma.
- Luo Meizhen, 127?, Chinese oldest person unverified claimant, natural causes.
- Evelyn Kozak, 113, American supercentenarian, verified seventh-oldest person, heart attack.
- Sir Henry Cecil, 70, British racehorse trainer, stomach cancer.
- Jiroemon Kimura, 116, Japanese supercentenarian, verified oldest man in history, natural causes.
In other news
Ted Dwane, the bassist from Mumford & Sons was rushed to hospital with a blood clot on his brain, having undergone an emergency operation to remove the blood clot early last week he’s already out and recuperating. He’s said to be over the moon to now have conclusive proof that he does actually have a brain.
The Queen had to visit her 92 year old husband in hospital for his birthday. The Duke is said to be recovering well after his abdominal operation but is expected to remain in hospital for another week. Her Majesty had to undertake the Trooping of the Colour alone for the third time since her coronation, I’m sure she missed Philip’s racist remarks terribly.
National Treasure Stephen Fry fell foul of a hoaxer on Twitter trying to get a rise out of him. Some of you may have noticed the @AmandraBynes tweet wishing he died of cancer and some shite about throwing donuts at his house, but the real @AmandaBynes has a slightly different addy, not that our mild mannered wit noticed. If you feel like wasting a few minutes of your life, go see how many celebs have blocked the hoaxer already. Amanda Bynes might be a lot of things but a hater of Stephen Fry she most likely isn’t.
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
Dead Pool 9th June 2013
Afternoon poolers, yet another week has bit the dust, and so have a few more celebrities. Alas none that we needed to score those vital points, but now we’re over the halfway point, scoring is even more important. Don’t worry if you’ve still to score, six months is a very long time in this game. There’s a lot of news to get through this week, so without further ado…
Look who you could have had:
- Graham Walker, 68, British comedian, founder of The Grumbleweeds, cancer.
- Esther Williams, 91, American swimmer (Billy Rose’s Aquacade) and actress (Bathing Beauty, Million Dollar Mermaid, Dangerous When Wet), natural causes.
- Tom Sharpe, 85, British author (Porterhouse Blue, Wilt), complications from diabetes.
- Richard Ramirez, 53, American serial killer, ‘The Night Stalker’, liver failure.
In other news
Michael Douglas spoke candidly about his throat cancer, he believes it came about from giving oral sex. Now, the first thing that came to my mind was, what the hell has Catherine Zeta Jones got down there? Some kind of cancer giving vampire vagina that bit him on the neck? Or is Michael actually telling us she’s actually a man and the constant deep throating has caused his oesophagus to turn on him? Either way, it doesn’t say anything nice about Catherine. Maybe he should have blamed the smoking instead…
In the hospital this week are a whole host of celebrities.
Let us begin with Sir David Attenborough. The 87 year old naturalist had to cancel an engagement in Brisbane at short notice to have a pacemaker fitted. I wonder if they made a film about it? Maybe get a lion to rip him open and a gorilla to complete the operation. What am I thinking? It’s the NHS, that’s exactly what is going on anyway!
We also have the Duke of Edinburgh flat out on a slab having exploratory surgery on his abdomen, we’ve been told he’ll be in hospital for two weeks because of it. Sure signs if you ask me! The Queen didn’t seem too bothered though, she went on a jolly to the new BBC TV Centre and managed to photobomb a couple of newsreaders to boot.
Paris Jackson, the daughter of Michael Jackson was admitted into hospital after attempting to kill herself. At 15 she’s a huge potential point scorer, lets hope she tries again next year, she’s so going to be my Maverick! We all know the Jackson family are rather fucked up, looks like it hasn’t skipped a generation either.
Stephen Fry has also spoken about his bipolar condition and admitted that he had attempted to commit suicide last year by using pills and vodka. Now we all love the treasure that is Stephen Fry as much as we love David Attenborough, but I for one will be sending him a case of vodka the next time I see him throwing a spat on Twitter.
Last but not least is Nelson Mandela, things are not looking good for the old South African freedom fighter. Not only is he dying, his family are already fighting over their inheritance. A wonderful legacy to a man who spent half his life in jail to free a nation and they’re quibbling over who gets the TV and the sideboard, not to mention the hundreds of millions of rand he seems to have amassed whilst being in jail.
For those of you who are vaguely interested in celebrity birthdays, you can celebrate the following if you so wish! Johnny Depp (50), Natalie Portman (32) and Michael J, Fox (52). All surprisingly odd ages. I thought Depp and Portman were younger and Fox 60 or something, must be his illness, alas too old to be a maverick now….
2013 League Table
Next week peeps!
Dead Pool 2nd June 2013
Let me begin by apologising for the lack of a newsletter last week, alas my laptop died, none of you had it on your lists though, so no points to anyone! So this week should be a double dose of fun! I’m sure you’re itching to see who’s died…
Look who you could have had:
- Steve Forrest, 87, American actor (Dallas, North Dallas Forty, S.W.A.T).
- Phil Buerstatte, 46, American heavy metal rock drummer (White Zombie).
- Ray Manzarek, 74, American rock musician (The Doors), bile duct cancer.
- Eddie Braben, 82, British comedy writer (Morecambe and Wise, Ken Dodd).
- Richard Thorp, 81, English actor (Emmerdale).
- Mick McManus, 93, English professional wrestler.
- James Sisnett, 113, Barbadian supercentenarian, world’s second oldest man.
- Marshall Lytle, 79, American rock and roll musician (Bill Haley & His Comets), inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (2012), lung cancer.
- Jack Vance, 96, American science fiction author.
- Bill Pertwee, 86, British radio and television actor (Dad’s Army, You Rang, M’Lord?) and author.
In other news
George Michael has left hospital after he mysteriously ‘fell’ out of a moving car on the M25. According to reports his mishap occurred whilst he was trying to adjust the door. Following the accident the 48 year old singer was said to be lying in the road covered in blood and had to be protected by a conscientious mini driver who protected his prone body from being run over by other cars. I think George is an ideal candidate as a Maverick for next year, he’s terribly accident prone and seems to be on a death wish. He just scrapes in age wise and could be the next Amy Winehouse, albeit without the talent.
We’ve also heard that everyones favourite cross-dresser, Tim Curry, has had a stroke. The 67 year old actor, who is famously very private, has not disclosed how bad it is. One hopes he recovers sufficiently so we can continue to enjoy his thespian endeavours and perhaps to add him to next years lists.
More bad news on the Angelina Jolie frontage, her Aunt Debbie has died of breast cancer. Seems that Jolie’s decision to lop off her norks might have been a good one after all. I’m sure Jolie, 37, didn’t really want to see her boobies drift southwards anyway, especially if they became lumpy as well.
Lou Reed, the driving force behind The Velvet Underground is recovering after a liver transplant. The 71 year old singer was said to be as close to death as is possible to get. Reed is a well known alcoholic and drug user, so I’m wondering why they wasted a perfectly good liver on a deadbeat 71 year old who has abused his own liver to the point of death! I’ll tell you why, it’s so we can list him next year!
Shall I just mention the name Amanda Bynes. Make of that what you will.
2013 League Table
Next Week peeps!
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